After so many years of psychological torture, I was damaged at best. Destroyed at worst.

Our date was amazing; it turned out to be a great night. The food was scrumptious and I could not have asked for better company. Liam’s bother Trevor and his wife Beth understood about my daughter coming along. I believe we all enjoyed a nice night out getting to know each other. However, I never imagined that my first real date would include an infant care seat never mind an infant daughter for that car seat. I enjoyed being with them. I felt normal for a moment. I Believed I was free.  However, nothing could be further from the truth.  I was still trapped in so many ways.

After so many years of psychological torture, I was damaged at best. Destroyed at worst. I’m sure Liam, Trevor and Beth all could see that. On the ride home, I began to feel nervous. It was a little late and I knew my Mother would be furious with me for having Raven out so late. She was always quick to remind me that she was Ravens guardian and that I really had no say in my child’s life because I was only fifteen which still made me a child too.

When I entered through the door of the apartment, I breathed a sigh of relief when I noticed that my Mother had not been home since we had left earlier. As I began to remove my coat, I wondered where she was.  I proceed to change Raven into her pajamas and heat her bottle for her bedtime feeding.  The house was silent as I sat on the rocking chair watching her fight not to fall asleep as I fed her. As I looked around the room, I could not help but think about how much things had changed in such a short time. I could not help but think of what happened in this very room that day not long ago.

As my thoughts drifted to him, my pulse began to race, I found it hard to breathe and I began to feel light headed. I quickly closed my eyes and forced myself to take a few deep breathes. I found it hard at times to try to slow my mind when the fear took over. I did not want to wake Raven, as she was almost asleep. If she began to feel the tension in my arms, it would definitely wake her.

I knew I needed to calm down as quickly as possible. I often needed to remind myself that everything was okay and that I was safe. It had been too soon and it all was still too fresh in my memory to even try to forget. The house still had a darkness that lingered in it. It was as if all the evil that had happened here had left so sort of echo behind. A dark after shock.

Once I finished feeding Raven, I went to put her in her crib. When I returned to the living room, I decided to curl up on the couch and watch a little TV. I was not laying there long when my Mother came in through the front door. She looked surprised to see me there on the couch and she immediately asked me why I was home? Before I could answer she explained that she thought I was going to be out that tonight. I was confused by her questioning and immediately spoke up and said ‘how was I suppose to go anywhere when you were suppose to be here to watch Raven for me!’

She looked annoyed by my outburst. She immediately  proceeded to explain to me that those were the issues with being a teenage mother and that she was not a live in babysitter for me. I was flabbergasted by her comments. I never asked her to take care of Raven, with the exception of when I was at school.  I could not understand where these comments where coming from. I just could not listen to her endless excuses and idle threats so I got up from the couch, turned off the TV and went to my room. My mother paused in the middle of her rant as she watched me walk down the hallway. As I shut my bedroom door, I could hear her angrily yell out something to me but I choose to ignore her and crawl into bed for the night.

When I woke up the next morning my mother asked me to join her for breakfast. She had made pancakes and prepared Raven’s bottle for me. The invitation made me think that she was going to apologize for being so harsh with me the night before. For a minute I felt hopeful that her and I would start to talk more about everything that had been happening.

Since Jack was taken to jail and our initial statements were taken, we had not talk much about any of it. With the exception of when the child services worker came to review our home environment. I needed her, I needed my mother especially after everything that had gone on. Even though it was almost the end of March I still felt as if it was still December 30. Rationally I knew I was safe however, I had this nagging feeling that I was not as safe as I thought. I still felt Jack’s presence so much around me. Even though he was gone, I still felt as if he was near. Watching me somehow. I needed to be able to tell her that these thoughts were screaming in my head. I needed her to tell me everything would okay because I was starting to feel like it was not going to be okay.

As I sat down at the kitchen table, I began to speak up to say that I needed to talk. However before I could my mother stated that she had something to tell me about Jack and court proceedings. I instantly froze and spoke no words as I sat down in my chair. My heart raced an my inner voice starting screaming ‘OH MY GOD HE IS GETTING OUT OF JAIL!!!! OH MY GOD HE IS GETTING OUT OF JAIL!!!!’ Before I knew it those exact words came flying out of my mouth at my mother as I bagged my hands down on the kitchen table. She looked alarmed at my reaction then proceeded to say that he would NOT be getting out of jail for a long time.

Hearing her say those words, I breathed a sigh of relief. I could not handle it if he was to get out of jail. I knew if he did that he would come for me. He would kill me and there was be nothing anyone could do about it. She began to tell me that there was a court date this week for Jack about the abuse. I asked if I would need to testify in court about everything. She responded and said no they have your statement that they took from you. I was relived.  However not because of having to testify, that did not bother me. But because I did not want t see Jack’s face ever again.

My mother stated to explain to me that Jack was going to plead guilty to the charges of sexual abuse so that I did not have to testify. She insisted that he did not want to put me through that and that he was doing me a favor by pleading guilty to the charges. I was outraged as I heard her explain the situation. I could not understand how Jack was doing me a favor by pleading guilty to something that he was GUILTY of doing! It seemed open and shut to me. I could not rationalize why it was not obvious to my Mother, Eileen. I pushed back urging my mother to let me testify, but she strongly denied my plea’s claiming that it would not be healthy for me to relive everything on the witness stand. I was quickly reminded that she was my legal guardian and that is was her decision.

I felt helpless, as if I had no say over my own life or the life of my daughter. I asked if I could be excused to go to room, as I needed some time to digest what I had just heard. My mother agreed but not before telling me that Jack was really sorry for everything that he had done and that he would never hurt me again, so I had nothing to be scared of. Once she was done, I turned around and walked to my room. As I did the tears began to roll out of my eyes and down my cheeks. My heart was broken. I Could not understand why she did not love me.

As much as I did not want to admit it at the time, some how I knew she was still with Jack. I could tell by the way she speaking about him and how apologetic he was. Acting just like she did all those time he beat her and went to jail. He always found a way to get back in her head in order for her to let him back in the door. I began to wonder as I laid in bed if there was something wrong with me…. If there was a reason why she did not seem to love me enough to choose me. I felt so alone as I cried myself to sleep praying that I was wrong about my mother.