He Could No Longer Intimidate and Terrorise Me! (72/73)

That night I barely remember going to sleep. Raven was tucked in her crib and I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow. I awoke the next morning feeling as if I was hung over. My head ached and I was shaking as if I had too much to drink the night before. However, in all reality my nerves were causing me to feel sick and my body to shake uncontrollably. It was my systems way of coping with the trauma. The last day felt as if it was a dream. I knew it had happened however, I could not believe it did. I could not believe that I was finally free. Jack was finally gone and in jail where he belonged.

I no longer had to fear closing my eyes at night with the expectation of being awoken at some point so he could rape me. I no longer had to fear the very home I lived in. He could no longer intimidate and terrorise me as he had every morning before by keeping me living in a constant state of fear. I truly was free. However, I was still scared. In the past when the police had taken Jack away, he always seemed to get out on bail. I was terrified that he would again. The very thought of him walking the streets un-nerved me. What would stop him from coming back to finish what he had started the day before. These thoughts ran through my head as I was getting dressed. When I headed out to the kitchen I could hear voices but could not make out who’s there were because they were talking very low.

As I entered the kitchen, I was able to see whose voice it was. It was my Grandma Lois’s voice. Instantly at the site of her I ran into her arms and began to cry. I was so relived to see her. She had not been around for some time as she and my Mother had been arguing. Ironically, about how bad Jack was for our lives. Recent events had washed the slate clean. Grandma just wanted to be here for us during this tough time. She was worried sick about us as she watched the standoff play out on the local news channel and listened to it through the radio. My Mother seemed to have mixed feelings about her being there. On the one hand, she was happy for the company but she was not enjoying all the questions that came with that company. She did not want to talk about what had happened or the abuse.

Later that day Grandma came to speak with me in private about how I was doing. While my Mother was laying down, Grandma came into my room to ask about what had happened. I explained to her how the day played out and how it all finally ended. She was speechless as I spoke. Her eyes welling up with tears as I explained how bad things had been since my Mother was told the truth many months before. She was angered that my Mother had known for so long and had not done anything. However, she was also concerned that my Mothers state of mind since the day she found out may have been altered or that perhaps Jack was threatening her in some way. Ironically, I understood her need to think that my Mother, her daughter, had not knowingly put her grand daughter’s lives in danger for all these months. Unfortunately, there was nothing wrong with my Mother’s mental status. Oh how I wish it were that simple. However, it was not. She was simply just a very bad mother.

Our home slowly became over run with family and friends offering their assistance. All of them looking at me with such pity and sadness. The truth was finally out but now it was all anybody was talking about when in our home. Being in my room was the only place I could escape the chatter. I was looking forward to returning to school as an escape from my busy home. However, I was a little nervous about how I would now be perceived at school after being all over the news and in the newspapers over Christmas break. Would my friends look at me different? I hoped not.

My first morning back to school my stomach was in knots. I was extremely nervous as I approached the front entrance. I did not know what I would say if my friends started to ask questions. There were no words to express how I was feeling or what I had been through. All I would be able to say was that I am doing fine. As I made it to my locker, I could feel eyes on me. Only natural I suppose considering the situation. Logan and Hanna both quickly came to my rescue when the came by to say hi. I could see on their faces that they wanted to ask me what had happened however; they did not intend to mention it first. They planned to let me bring up the topic when I was ready. I appreciated their support and respect therefor; I decided to ask them if they had seen the news over the school break. They both hesitantly said yes. I assured them that Raven and I were doing okay considering everything. I also briefly mention the fact that Jack was her father. However, I told both of them I was not ready to talk about that. I just wanted to go back to school as if everything was normal. Logan and Hanna smiled at my resilience as they tried to wrap their mind around what I had just told them. Just as we all finished talking Logan’s friend Liam joined us and we all headed to class.

Liam had become quite close with Logan since the beginning of the year. So I figured I could trust Logan, therefore I could also trust Liam. Logan did not bestow loyalty to just anyone. However, he was very loyal to Liam and considered him one of his closest friends. I could tell by the way Liam was looking at m, when we all took our seats in Mr. Alexander’s class, that he had also seen the news. He genuinely smiled at me as he made eye contact. For a moment time stood still as I looked back at him. I found his kindness comforting. I felt drawn to him. Drawn to the need to know him. An emotion I was a little shocked to be having. Could I possibly like Liam? NO? There was no way that would be it. Could it?

As these thoughts crashed through my head, I broke eye contact with him. Immediately giving my head a shake. I had just been through one hell of an emotional rollercoaster over the last ten days. There was no way I could trust my feelings right now. I needed to stay focused on just getting through the day without being the subject of school gossip. Therefore, I decided to keep my eyes forward and listen to the lecture Mr. Alexander was giving. In the back of the room, you could hear some of the students quietly whispering while he was speaking. This did not go over well with our teacher.

He immediately walked up to the students chatting and slammed his meter stick down on their desks while asking them if they would like to share with the class. Everyone giggled at the statement. Mr. Alexander was known for carrying his meter stick around in case he needed to slam it on your desk to get your attention. Ironically, these routine classroom actions made me feel happy. Something routine and normal. The first time I had felt that way in few days. It was nice.

Over the next few weeks things started to settle down at home and school was going great. There was never any mention about me or the hostage taking. I knew everyone knew however it was not something they felt was worthy of talking about. They treated me very respectively in that manner. Not something I am sure would be the case in todays Junior High Schools.

Hanna and Logan were dating now so that meant that Liam and I were spending a lot more time together considering we were their close friends. I began to have feelings for Liam. There was just something about him. A purely kind heart. You could see it in his eyes. A light I was drawn to after being lost in the dark for so long. By Valentines Day, I was head over heels for him. I had fallen in love with him and he had with me. Definitely an unexpected twist that I did not expect. However, I was enjoying every moment of his presence. For once, I was beginning to feel like a normal teenage girl. Passing through the expected milestones of adolescents.

Liam and I would start to spend everyday together, which was a treasured escape from facing my Mother at home. Sure, the truth was out now but my home life was lonely. My Mother did not want to discuss what had happened which was difficult for me. I needed her to listen to my thoughts and feelings. I needed her to tell me and show me that everything was going to be okay and that she would protect me. However, that moment would never arrive. She never took on the role of my great protector. Somehow, she was more concerned with losing her husband than losing her daughter. I would think often of my Father and wonder what he must have thought of all the things he saw on TV and in the Newspaper.

I missed him so much. I needed him too. However, I did not think he would want to see me. This was the messaging my Mother made me believe. Now many years later I do not have them same views. I know she was keeping me isolated from the outside world. Even after Jack was taken into custody. She figured that if she kept me close than she could keep the situation quiet. Although all she was doing was delaying the inevitable. Delaying the eruption that was slowly brewing between her and me.

My Mother began to spend a lot of time away on the weekend. At first, I did not suspect anything by her absence. However as it became more routine and she started to receive phone calls from the Edmonton Remand Center I knew exactly what was going on! See was visiting Jack and talking to him on the phone. The realisation of this stopped me in my tracks as I over heard them one night on the phone. Hearing them tell each other they loved each other. I could not believe the betrayal. How could see choose him over me. How could a mother abandon her child like that? How could she still love him? So many thoughts ran through my head all at once. I even began to wonder if she knew all along about the abuse. Why else would she still want to be with a monster unless she was a monster too! Something I still cannot understand to this very day!

When I returned the following week to school, Liam could tell something was wrong. However when he asked me I denied that anything was out of the ordinary. Blaming my difference on Raven’s erratic sleeping schedule. I was moderately convincing or at least that is what Liam let me believe. Over the next couple of weeks leading up to Easter of 1992, I spent most of my free time on the weekends with Liam. At times with his family as well. Liam had a big family. Two brothers; Trevor and Trent, and one sister; Suzie. And of course his parents, Marcus and Isabell. Trevor and Suzie were both married and had children of their own. They were a very kind a welcoming family. They knew all about me and Raven. However, they did not judge me because of any of it. They treated me like a human being, not a wounded bird. The early 90’s were not a time where most parents would have been okay with their son having a girlfriend with an infant child. The Raddari Family never looked at me the way society did during that time. I appreciated it.

One Saturday evening Liam had arranged with his Brother Trevor and his wife Beth to take me out on a double date. We were going to the fancy steak house in the St. Albert hotel. It was a romantic restaurant with dim lighting, glass chandeliers and a roaring fire in the corner. I was excited. My very first date. Liam and I had been out before but not like this. This time it was like the first dates I had seen on Television. Where the boy comes up to the door to pick you up, takes you out for a nice evening and then returns you home with a good night kiss. Every teen age girls dream. I was on cloud nine. My Mother could tell that I seemed happy and asked me what the cause was. I immediately told her about the date Liam had asked me on and asked her if she could watch Raven for me so that I could go. My Mother agreed. However, she did warn me that she would be out for the day and would not return home until just before it would be time for me to leave. I excitedly stated that would work and hugged her to thank her.

The date was all I could think about Friday night. I tried many things to distract me. I called Hanna, cleaned my room, watched MTV for a bit and then put Raven to bed. Every hour feeling as if it was taking forever to pass. I wanted it to be Saturday already. After relentlessly tossing and turning, I finally fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning to Raven’s baby chatter from her crib, I opened my eyes with excitement. I jumped up out of bed bounced over the crib and embraced Raven in my arms. We danced our way over to the change table as she giggled. After I changed her, we headed to the kitchen for breakfast. The house was silent.

My Mother had already left for the day. Early with her new friend Rebecca. She had met her at a support group that she had been for battered woman. The had bonded quickly over their shared life experiences and now where spending every other weekend together. Ironically, I enjoyed the quiet stillness of the house when it was just Raven and I in the mornings. For so long the house had been full of tension and fear. Every moment feeling like your walking on egg shells. It was nice not have those daily emotions any more. However, there were times when I would hear a loud bang or a raised male voice and for a moment, I would feel it all come back. For that moment, the fear would wash over my body stopping my breath in the process. Making me stand still on the spot for a second until my mind comprehended that there was nothing to fear. I was physically free but I was still emotionally imprisoned as I tried to cope with everything.

The day passed rather quickly and before I knew it, I only had an hour to go before I was being picked up for my date. I expected my mother to be walking through the door anytime. I had raven all bathed and ready for her. As the time was getting closer to me leaving for the evening, I began to realise she was not coming. I would have to cancel my plans. I was heart broken at the thought. Why could she not do this one thing for me?

Why would she not let me be a normal teenager just this once? Not a mother, a daughter, or a victim. Just a normal teenage girl going on a date with a normal teenage boy. After everything, she could not even give me one night. With only thirty minutes to spare, I decided it was times to call Liam and break the news. I lump began to form in my throat as I listened to the phone ring. Once I heard Mr. Raddari’s voice, I took a deep breath and asked if I could speak to Liam. I quickly explained to him that my Mother had not shown up. Therefore, I did not have anyone to look after Raven. He said that he might have a solution and asked if he could call me right back. I agreed and disappointingly hung up the receiver of the phone.

­­­­­­­­­­After about fifteen minutes, Liam called me back. He explained to me that his sister Suzie could watch Raven while we were out to dinner. I reluctantly said ‘No’. I knew that would make my Mother very angry if someone she did not know was looking after Raven. However, I did express how grateful I was to Suzie for the offer. She understood my situation and how difficult my Mother had become. Liam then suggested that we just take Raven with us out to dinner. I was shocked by his words. Truly a genuine offer. I accepted and began to get Raven ready to go out for the evening.