Faith and Hope…. (71/73)

The room was silent as he listened to the voice on the other end of the phone. By this point, it had been hours and I was exhausted both physically and mentally. Finally, Jack said ‘let me think about it’ and then he hung up the phone. He sat there quietly thinking with his hand raised to his head and his eyes closed. In his hand, the blade of the knife twinkled as it reflected off the light coming in from the window. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes and looked back and forth between Mother and me. Then he spoke up and said ‘Eileen you are going to open the door and retrieve the cigarettes from outside the door’. Her eyes widening in fear at the request. My Mother knew that once she stepped out into the hallway the police would never let her back in.

Some how I knew it too. This was the very moment I truly believed I was going to die. Once my Mother was out of the room, there would be no body to protect me or to protect Raven. Once I was out of the way, Jack believed that my Mother and him would live happily ever after with my child. For that very reason there was no need to keep me alive. I would just end up collateral damage from a domestic dispute. I took a deep breath as I watched my Mother get up from the table and start to walk toward the front door.

As I was watching her, Jack was watching me. To make sure that I did not try to run once the door was open. I did think about it for a split second however, I knew that I would have to leave Raven behind in doing so. I could not do that. There was no way I was going to leave my infant child alone with a monster with a knife. The only way I was leaving was with her in my arms or in a body bag because of trying to do so. Once my Mother walked through the door it was shut behind her and she was gone! As the door slammed shut, Jack banged his hand that was holding the knife down on the table and yelled ‘FOR FUCK SAKES!’

Raven’s body thrashed with fear from the sound of the commotion. She cried out as she  awoke from her sleep. I reached out to comfort her and as I did, Jack pushed me down on to the kitchen floor. Then he reached out to pick Raven up as he told me not to move one inch or else, he would put the knife right though my chest. I froze instantly sitting right there on the cold linoleum floor looking up at him holding raven in one hand while holding a butcher knife in the other. She had stopped crying however you could clearly see that she wanted me as she tried to reach out her arms in my direction. I wanted so much to reach back out to her but I knew I could not. This broke my heart. Seeing my daughter needing my while, I could not do anything to save her. I had now failed her for the third time. I closed my eyes and prayed that she would survive. The thought of anything happening to her felt as if someone had ripped my very soul out of my body. She was apart of me and always would be even after I was gone.

Once again, the phone began to ring. Jack reached out to answer it while trying to keep a hold of Raven and the knife. Almost stabbing her in the leg in the process. Seeing this made me reactively move in their direction. Not in an attempt to stop Jack but in an attempt to protect Ravens little leg. Before Jack put the receiver of the phone up to his ear, he briskly whipped it in my direction tapping me on the head with it in order to push me back down. He was in control and he was reminding me of that.

Jack began to discuss getting cigarettes again with the officer. He had agreed to let me go out into the hallway to get them. I instantly yelled NO! I knew they would not let me back in and I was not leaving Raven in here with him alone. I yelled NO NO NO. Jack then pointed the knife at me and said YES YOU WILL! I knew I had no choice I would have to leave her behind. I slowly began to raise up from the kitchen floor and made my way to the door. My hand shaking as I reached out to turn the doorknob. Once I opened the door, I could see that the hallway was mostly empty. About 5 feet down the left side of the hallway there were 2 packages of cigarettes.

As I looked back at Jack holding Raven I thought, if I am quick I can grab them and get back in the apartment and shut the door. Therefore, I took a deep breath a stepped down the hall to get the cigarettes. As I did four tactical officers in their attack gear complete with shields appeared from around the corner. They quickly grabbed me and pulled me back behind the wall with them. I tried to resist them from taking me with them. All I could think about was Raven and getting back to her. My mind was flooded with that thought as the officers wrestled me to the ground and carried me into our neighbour’s apartment.

They demanded that I calm down or it could endanger them getting Raven out safely! I reluctantly listened as I sat down and looked around the room. I could not believe my eyes. My Neighbours living room had been turned into a scene off some hostage movie. There were video monitors and listening devices everywhere. They could hear everything we were saying in the house. They even had partial video of us as well. The site of all of this was quite shocking. I had not really thought about the seriousness of the situation. They took me into one of the back bedrooms to where my Mother was. They were about to get ready to over take Jack and enter the apartment.

Jack had just hung up on the hostage negotiator with his last words being ‘do not enter this house or I will kill the baby. Just give me a few minutes to say good-bye to her and let me kill myself.’ The officers knew it was now or never. They did not want to take the chance that he would kill the baby too. Therefore, they decided it was time to remove my Mother and me from the building. They placed us in a police car outside the far end of the building in one of the parking lots. Leaving one officer behind to keep anyone from bothering us.

Our situation had become breaking news in Edmonton. Our building was surrounded with ambulances, fire trucks and police vehicles. There were people out watching on all sides of the streets and of course the media,  there hoping to get a good shot of the people involved. I could see TV cameras in the distance and the flash of cameras snapping pictures as I sat there worried about what was happening inside. All we knew was that Jack had barricaded himself in the bathroom with Raven. As that was all they would tell us as we were leaving. We could hear her crying and screaming through the police radio as we left building. A torturous sound I will never forget.

Each minute that passed in the back of the police car felt like an eternity. I could not understand what was taking them so long. Why had they not saved her yet? My mind started to spin with the possibility that he may have killed her and that was why it was taking so long. I began hyperventilating and everything was going dark. My Mother reached over to hold me and told me to breathe. She then said ‘everything would be alright because Jack would never hurt Raven because loved all of us’. As I heard her speak, I jerked back out of her arms. What the hell did she mean he loved us? Was she out of her fucking mind? I looked her right in the eyes and said ‘what he did to me was not love! And I am going to tell the police everything once Raven is safe! It’s OVER!’

My Mother lowered he head and began to cry, she knew I was right. I could not even look at her in this moment or comfort her. I did not care that she was in pain as I looked out the front window of the car. Finally, I saw the building door open and an officer was walking through it with Raven in her arms. I was relieved to see her. I reached out and tried to open to door of the car in order to get out to see her however being that it was a police car I quickly learned that I was locked in. My arms ached to feel her in them, to hold her in my arms.

An officer reached out and opened my door and asked me to stay seated in the car. She then passed me Raven. As I reached out to embrace her, tears began to stream down my cheeks. I could no longer hold back all the emotions of the day. Not now that my daughter was safe in my arms and we were safe in police custody. It was finally over! All of it. The sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the mental abuse, the terror. All of it. Jack was now in police custody after a forceful takedown and I was finally safe. He could no longer reached me.

Before the police could raid the apartment, Jack came out into the hallway, placed Raven down on the floor, and then tried to renter the apartment. Once they secured Raven safely, they quickly followed him into the doorway of our home and apprehended him. Finally removing the knife from his hand. After they secured him, they had the EMT’s in to look at him in case he had taken anything lethal. They secured him to a stretcher with handcuffs and straps and proceeded to remove him from the building through the front entrance to where the ambulance was parked. As they exited to the front sidewalk, Jack yelled out ‘Tell Eileen I love her!’ as they placed him in the back of the ambulance.

Once Jack had been taken away and the police cleared the crime scene we were allowed back into the apartment. As I walked through the front door into the kitchen, I could see that there were still a lot of police there. In the living room, the dining room, the bedrooms. The bathroom was blocked off with police tape as they retrieved evidence. From what I could see Jack had taken the rest of the sharp knifes off the wall and down into the bathroom with him. I could see them laying on the floor in the doorway. What would he possibly need ALL the knives for? This mere thought made me shiver as I looked on.

The next few hours were rather hazy as the officers asked me questions and took my statement. I imagine they were shocked by what they heard. They probably never expected a hostage taking to end in stopping a child molester! When they woke up that morning, they did not know that they were going to save a young girl that had been sexually abused approximately 1400 times! Which included being raped at least five hundred times.

For many years, I did not know how to rationalise my mind with the reality that these numbers were real. How does one come to terms with such a personal invasion? With repeatedly being touched by such evil? I wish I could tell you that twenty-five years I have an answer BUT the truth be told I do not. Except for to say that I have tried to live each day with faith and hope.

Faith that there is an ultimate reason for why I was chosen to bear these burdens & Hope that the world really does live in balance. By that, I mean, if I started my life seeing the absolute worst of humanity then I will hopefully spend the last parts of my life seeing all the beauty and honor in what humankind has to offer… Balance.