When I woke the following day, I could not believe what had taken place over the last twenty-four hours. I was shocked that I had stood up to Jack. I was even more shocked that the day did not end in violence. As I walked into the kitchen I noticed that the rest of the house was silent. Not another soul to be found. I at least thought I would find Jack sleeping on the couch. I mean how my Mother could share a bed with a man who just told her he had been raping her daughter. But that is exactly where he was! Sleeping right next to her. In this very moment, I knew my Mother had no intention of asking Jack to leave. However, I was relieved that he would no longer be touching me. I had won a battle however; I was still right in the middle of the war.
Over the course of the following weeks I tried to keep to myself as I cared for Raven. I would stay in my room when ever possible and avoid the common areas such as the living room and dinning room. However, by mid July I was starting to feel very overwhelmed with day-to-day life. I was struggling with being a new mom. I was sleep deprived, emotionally exhausted and physically drained from caring for a 3-month-old child. Raven would only sleep for a few hours at a time and during those times; there were things I had to do. I had to make sure that there was enough formula for the day and I had to wash Raven’s diapers. I did not have disposable diapers; I was given cloth diapers for Raven. Therefore, those diapers had to be hand rinsed and washed every other day. A very dirty job. In addition, I was also expected to be doing my regular chore list. Most days I felt like a zombie floating through out the house.
As each week passed, the hope that Jack would be kicked out the house diminished. On top of everything I had already been through this was the worst part. The truth had finally been told. Someone other than Jack and myself knew what he did to me. My Mother now also knew however, she did not seem to care. She was doing absolutely nothing about it! I could never understand how that reaction was even possible. How could she stand to even look at him after what he had done? Furthermore, did she not think for even a moment what it was doing to me? Did she not ever think that maybe I needed some help too. My Mother did not do what was best for her child; she did what was best for her.
Even to this day, I have wondered if she knew all along about the abuse. Or did she just not love me at all. No daughter wants to ever think her Mother does not love her, however during this time of my life I began to see her for what she truly was…. A monster just like Jack. She may not have physically assaulted me but she was responsible because she was irresponsible as a parent in every way. I promised myself I would never be that way with my children. I promised myself I would protect my children above all else in the world.
I made it through the rest of the summer by focusing on going back to school. I was finally returning to Westmount Junior High for grade nine. I was excited to be a senior this year. I was also excited to being going to school for the first time since the abuse stopped. It was freeing. For some reason this year, things felt different. It felt like this was going to be a good year. I still knew a few students from the previous year that were in a lower grade. Some of them would even be in the senior class this year with me. So I would not be completely new this year.
One the first day of school I walked down the halls in peace and harmony. I was going to enjoy my last year before moving on to high school. I saw familiar faces in hallways as I made my way to home room and to my locker. My friend Logan who I knew from the year before stopped by to rap on my locker and say hello on his way to his first class. For a short time, he dated one of my friends whom was a senior the previous year. We became quick friends during that time. After he left I stood there for a moment and just looked down the corridor at all the students roaming about. Soaking in the buzz of the conversation in the air. As I took a deep breath I thought to myself that for today I was just going to be a junior high student. Even though at home I was also a Mother. For just one day, I was going to be just me. A fifteen-year-old girl. I did not want people to know much about me yet. I wanted a chance to make some friends first.
Over the next few weeks, I continued to enjoy school. I had made a few new friends. I befriended a new girl named Hanna. She and I would start to spend a great deal of time together. I was enjoying getting to know her. Hanna and I caught the bus together most days. I enjoyed her company. Many times as her and I sat there on the bus, I wanted to tell her about what was going on at home. I felt I could trust her. However, I was still to scared to say anything. Looking back today, I wish I would have let her in and spoke up.
Logan and I stayed close. He was starting to become one of my best friends. He was always there to listen if I needed to talk. Logan also began to take a genuine interest in Hanna as well. It was win-win for me considering I was close to both of them. By now, it was no secrete that I had a daughter at home, however it did not matter at all. Nobody cared and looked down on my as the school principal had said they would the previous year. I felt accepted despite being a teen mother. Before I knew it, Logan and Hanna were dating. They both tried to set me up with friends of theirs. At that time, I was not interested in adding any more complications into my life. However, there was one of Logan’s friends that always caught my eye when ever he was around. His friend Liam Raddari. But he had a girlfriend. Therefore, I knew that was a lost cause.
Although things were going well at school, home was a completely different matter. It was the end November of 1991 and Jack was still living with us. It had been almost six months since the day I stood up to him, but nothing had been done. He was still here! By now, he was starting to get verbally abusive towards me. On a daily basis, he would curse at me and tell me how useless I was and that I was a horrible mother. Each day I would fight back and speak my mind to him. I would not back down from him. My Mother began to see that and would begin to intercede to stop me from angering him further. The tension in the house was very high. You could feel it. I knew it was only a matter of time before things were going to erupt. It was only a matter of time before he would explode. I knew it and my Mother knew it. The only question left was when.
There was no escape. I was stuck in the house with Jack at all times when I was not in school. I traded one form of imprisonment for another. I missed the days when I went with my Father. He would know what to do. I wondered if my Mother had called him and told him what happened. I asked her once and she said she did. However, I have always wondered if that was a lie. I do not believe my loving Father, Brandon, would have left me there. He would have come for me if he knew. He would have saved me.
As Christmas break came, Jack began to look as if he was starting to fall apart at the seams. He was barely showering or even combing his hair. We all pretend for Raven’s sake on Christmas day to give her a sense of normalcy. However, it felt anything but normal to me. As I watched her play with her wrapped parcels, I thought to myself how Raven deserved so much more. She deserved to be away from all of this madness. I could not believe that we were all sitting here pretending we were some sick version of a happy little family. In that moment, I knew I was failing her again. I knew I had to do more. I had to do something…. anything to get her away from this monster!
Brave Enough by Dawn Marie 
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