You Tell Her Or I Will! (68/73)

I knew from the doctor that I had about six seeks before Jack would be trying to attempt to rape me again. That meant I had six weeks to come up with a plan to save my daughter and myself. For the next four weeks, I did my best to adapt to being a mother. In addition, we were also moving once again. This time into an apartment, that was located in the Kingston area of the city.

Raven slept more during the day than at night so I quickly became sleep deprived. However, I would not ask for help with caring for her. I was determined to do it all myself. The less Jack had to interact with her the better. Ironically, he never offered to help either. He never seemed to care about how I was handling caring for newborn child. He was focused on taking care the move. This suited me well. Therefore, I was able to focus on Raven and not on him. However, I knew my time was running out. I would soon be completely healed from delivery and he would be expecting things to return to the way they once were. He would be expecting to continue to rape me.

I could not even endure the thought. There was no way I was going to ever let him touch me again. I knew soon I would have to stand up to Jack. However, I feared doing so. I knew that by stopping the abuse I very well might die or worse others I love could die. But I could no longer let it continue. I was determined to break free. It would take every ounce of courage I had but I was ready. Not matter what the consequences.

One Sunday afternoon in Mid June of 1991, Jack left the apartment to take my Mother to her friends for the afternoon. Before he left, he told me to put Raven down for a nap and be ready when he returned. Hearing this I knew it was time. The moment had arrived. After he walked out the door, I quickly gathered up Ravens diaper bag, placed a letter I had written earlier that day under my pillow, grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen and sat down in the rocking chair to feed Raven. In the event Jack killed me after I stood up to him, I wanted the truth to get out there some how. I knew someone would eventually find the letter. It was the only way I could guarantee Raven would be safe. The letter was addressed to my Father, Brandon. I knew he would know what to do for her if something was to happen to me.

I placed the knife beside the chair on the floor where it would be out of sight but within my reach if needed. I was not taking any chances. I would defend myself if necessary. As I looked down and watched Raven enjoy her bottle I could not help but smile. I hoped she would know one day that I did everything I could to save her. If something happened to me, I wanted her to know that. Before the bottle was empty, she drifted off to sleep. For a little while, I just sat there looking at her dreaming so peacefully. In that moment, I somehow knew I was doing the right thing. For the first time, I did not feel alone. I felt like others were standing there with me that day.

Eventually Jack returned. Once he entered the apartment and noticed me in the living room, he asked me why I was not in the bedroom. As he did, I took a deep breath and said to myself… you can do this, be the warrior. I then looked up at him and cut him off mid sentence when I asked him to sit down because I had something I needed to talk to him about. I could see the confusion across his face as he sat on the sofa. He then proceeded to ask me what was going on. I held Raven tightly as I started to speak. I told him that I would no longer let him touch me. I stated that it was wrong and that he would need to go and tell my mother the truth or I would as soon as she came back to the apartment. As I was saying the words all I could think was, he is going to kill me!

When I was done speaking, he sat there quietly for a few minutes before he responded. At first, he tried to convince me that it would not be a good idea to tell my Mother. He claimed he that it would upset her too much and he did not want to do that. However he said it could stop but only if we did not tell her. I immediately said NO and told him again either you tell her or I will. Finally, he agreed. I could not believe that he backed down from me when I stood up to him. I expected him to put up a bigger fight and to hurt me. However, he did not do that. I felt so strong and courageous in that moment knowing I was finally free from him raping me. However, I was still scared of what would happen when he told my Mother.

Hours later, they returned to the apartment. By this time, I was laying down in my room while Raven was napping. My Mother came into the room and sat beside me on the bed. She reached out and placed her hand on my arm. As she did, I started to cry as I turned and embraced her. She as well was crying as she repeatedly kept saying to me, I am sorry Dawn Marie that this happened to you. However, she did not seem shocked by the truth coming out. I was relieved that she finally knew the truth. I was relieved that the abuse was over. Once she and I were done talking I wondered what would happen next. I assumed that she would ask Jack to leave the house and that she would call the police. Unfortunately, that was not the case. When I followed her out of the room into the living room, she asked me to sit down so we could all talk about what had happened.

I could not understand what it was she thought we needed to talk about. My Mother was clearly angry with Jack as she began to speak stating that we would need to seek outside assistance to help us through the present situation. I could not believe my ears. All I could think was he needs to leave now. However, that was not going to happen. For the remainder of the evening I stayed in my room. All the while, I could hear my Mother and Jack arguing down the hall. As I tried to sleep, the fear washed over me again. I did not know how things were going to progress with them arguing. I secretly hoped one of our neighbours would hear them and call the police. I had planned to tell the Police everything if that did happen.