It Stops Today! (67/73)

Shortly after the doctor was done sewing my back together and cleaning me up I was taken into a normal hospital room. The nurse took Raven to have a bath. She said she would bring her into me once I was settled in my bed. It took me a little bit to get comfortable. I was quite stiff and sore. It took 17 stitches to put me back together after the delivery. In my room, Jack was eagerly waiting to see Raven. He had only been able to catch a glimpse off her as they were taking her to the nursery. He was grinning from ear to ear. The very sight of it took made a bad situation even darker. I could not understand how my Mother could not see what was right in front of her very eyes. How could she not see the anticipation on his face? She could not see that it was more the becoming a grandfather. These were the thoughts that were going through my medicated mind as I watched the two of them interact with each other.

I was anxious to see Raven again. I wanted to hold her and look at her some more. However, I did not like that I was expected to remain silent as I watched a monster hold my child. I did not know how I was going to do it. I was weak and exhausted from labor and delivery. All I wanted was to be left alone with my baby. For everyone to leave so that I would have time to bond with her. However, there was no way Jack was going to leave any time soon. I was stuck in the middle of a nightmare. I did not know how I was going to navigate through the next few days as I recovered. I did not know if I would have the strength to keep the secrete.

When the nurse returned with Raven, I immediately reached out for her to be given to me. There was no way Jack was getting his hands on her yet. It was still my time. As the nurse handed me her Jack started to get up from his chair and make his way towards the bed. When he did, I shot him a look of defence. Attempting to stress the distance, I needed him to keep from me right now. When he noticed my distaste to his movements, he stopped and took a step back. Giving me space to breathe as I held the baby.

After a few minutes, my Mother came over to the side of the bed to ask if she could hold Raven. I reluctantly said yes. Knowing that she would hand her to Jack after words. This irritated me. However, I had no choice. I would do my best to hold it together knowing there was nothing I could do in that moment to stop this monster from making contact with a newborn child. I had barely been a mother and I already felt as if I failed her.

I blamed myself for not protecting her more. For not saying something so this moment would not have had to happen. But… I was scared. Terrified and horrified by the thought of what might happen if I said a word. Terrified that Jack would hurt us all. My Father, my grandparents, Raven and me. I was scared to see the dark side of him. This part of him was pure evil. That would stop at nothing to get what he wants. The part of him that survived on control. Especially control of those around him and we were all his victims. Therefore, I would endure the madness. I would find a way to survive seeing him interact with my daughter.

Eventually my mother reached out and handed Raven to Jack. After which she left the room to go outside for cigarette and some air. Jack sat there quietly looking down at Raven, not saying a word. She was sleeping. After a few minutes, I told Jack that he should lay her in the bassinet because she was sleeping. He angrily responded back saying that he would decide when it was time to put her down in the crib. He then proceed to tell me that I would never again tell him what to do with his daughter and that if I did he would take her away and I would never see her again. He said the words with such anger as he was holding her that it had me fear that he would physically hurt her. She was so tiny in his violent abusive hands. I feared for her life as she laid peacefully asleep with in his grasp.

Luckily, the nurse returned to give me my nightly pain needle and to take Raven for her nightly vital checks. She said she would bring her back to me a little later and that I should try to rest for a while. She then turned to Jack and explained to him that visiting hours were almost over. It would soon be time for him to leave. He looked agitated at the suggestion.

The only people who were allowed to be on the maternity ward after visiting hours were Fathers. Jack very well may have been the biological father but there was no way he could state that. Therefore, he would have to leave like everybody else. This pleased me. I wanted to be alone. I was emotionally and physically exhausted not to mention my hormones were still all out of whack. I was starting to feel overwhelmed as the reality of the day started to wash across me. I always felt as if I was constantly on the defensive. Always just, one-step away from needing to run. Every since I was a child I had felt this way. Tonight this emotion seemed to be heightened in me. Therefore, I knew I needed to be alone to pull myself together.

When my Mother returned to the room, she asked me if I needed anything before they left for the night. She reassured me that they would be back early the next morning. I told her I was fine and that I did not need anything. Well except for her to get Jack the hell out of my room. My Mother kissed me good-bye before she headed for the door, Jack kissed me on my forehead as he squeezed my left arm and whispered… say a word and they are all dead! I could barely breathe as I heard him speak. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath doing everything with in my power to hold back my tears. I could not show him any sign of emotion. I knew that would anger him.

After they left the room, my tears uncontrollably started to roll down my face. My head falling in my hands. I could no longer hold it back. All of it was so much to process. I was feeling so many emotions all at once. One of my nurses had noticed I was upset as she was walking by my room door. Shortly afterwards she brought Raven back into see me. I was happy to have her close to me. After Raven was placed in my arms the nurse proceed to talk to me about how I was feeling, explaining to me how it would take a couple of day before I would began to feel like myself again. She proceeded to inform me that they would be keeping Raven in nursery for the night, so that I could get some rest. A young teen mother on the unit was not a common thing in the 90’s. I was initially resistant to the idea of them taking Raven. However, I was exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open. Therefore, I agreed and decided to rest while I could.

I drifter off to sleep rather quickly. However, it was not a comfortable sleep. My dreams were intensified and terrifying. Probably a side effect of my exhaustion and the pain medication. My Imagination seemed to be on over drive. So much so, that it woke me up part way through the night. Once I was fully awake, I decided to take my chances and head towards the bathroom. My nurse had told me that I was to use the call bell and ask for assistance before getting out of bed. I had lost a lot of blood during the delivery. However, I considered it for a moment and then thought I could handle it on my own. I felt okay. The bathroom door was only about five feet away. I did not think I would have a problem making the distance. I was stubborn that way.

With in seconds of my feet hitting the ground and me taking my first three steps my legs were buckling under me. I quickly reached out and grabbed a hold of the sink that was beside the door. Bracing myself as I tried to get my balance. Just as I straighten my legs, I was on the floor. Luckily, a nurse was coming into check on me. She opened the door to find me laying on the floor in puddle of blood. Her eyes filled with shock as she reached down to help me up. She took me into the washroom, helped me to clean up and changed into a new gown. She also had my bed changed the floor cleaned from where I fell. As she was helping, she was explaining to me why I needed to ring for help when wanting to get out of bed. She had hoped that I learned my lesson after what had just happened. She was right, so I decided I would listen to her.

I slept rather peacefully for the rest of the night. Unfortunately, I was awoken from that slumber way to early. By 730 am the morning shift nurses were going room to room doing their morning rounds. I woke to a nurse wrapping a blood pressure cuff around my arm. As I opened eyes and looked at her she whispered to me… go back to sleep I will be out of here in just a minute. Having your blood pressure taken from one of the electronic machines first thing in the morning will wake a person faster that and double shot espresso. I do not anybody who can just sleep through having that done. However, I closed my eyes until she was done and left the room.

When I opened my eyes again I was all alone in my hospital room. I sat up in the bed and looked out the window at the blue sky. I wondered what would be next. Everything was different this morning than it had been the morning before. Today I was no longer a child, I was now a mother. My mind struggled to accept this. However, something was different in me this morning. A strength and feeling of resilience was shooting through me. As I sat there looking to the future I told myself that I was no longer a victim! I had decided that Jack would never sexual abuse me again. I decided it was over. I had had enough. It stops today!