A Warrior Emerged From Within Me…. (66/73)

During the months of my pregnancy, I became very isolated from the outside world. Jack and my Mother had alienated themselves pretty much from our entire family. Grandma Lois had not been around in months and I had not seen my Father in almost a year. I felt very alone. It began to feel like I was being held captive in my own home. Even though I was not. I still felt as if Jack was watching my every move. My pregnancy began to take its toll on me. I had bad morning sickness. However I had it at all times so I am not quite sure why they called it morning sickness. On top of that, I was trying to complete all of my grade nine course at our kitchen table in between bouts of being raped by Jack. The attacks slowed down during my pregnancy. Which was a welcomed relief over those months. However, Jack became very interested in the baby. He was very happy about having a child. It was a very disturbing to be around. People could clearly see my Mother and him were excited, as it got closer to my delivery date.

I however was not excited at all. I was scared shitless! I had recently watched a video about childbirth in birthing class with my mother. Ever since that moment, I was scared. Mostly of the pain. I did not handle physical pain well. In the four weeks, leading up to delivery I had went through three bouts of false labor. Each time thinking it was the real thing and each time, I ended up being disappointed. I could not wait to give birth. Every inch of my body was stretched in every direction. My feet swollen up like tree trunks. My body ached everywhere.

The baby was expected to be big. At my last appointment before being induced, the doctor said she suspected the child to be at least 8 pounds. All I heard her say was ouch. I thought to myself, how the hell is this going to work? How is my body going to stretch that much. She reassured me that my body would and that I would have different pain treatment options available to me through out labor. However, I was planning to try to do it natural. Very little drugs if possible. In 1991, epidurals were not an everyday thing in the delivery rooms as they are today.

On April 24, 1991, I was scheduled to be induced. The baby needed a little extra help to come out. I arrived at the hospital at 11 am that morning and proceeded to hospitals registration desk to check in. My doctor had delivery privileges at the Misericordia Community Hospital. The very hospital where my grandmother Lois had worked when she was young. After I was checked into my room and was hooked up to the fetal monitor, the reality of the situation began to set in.

In the corner of the room, I could see the baby warmer. In that second it hit me…. Oh, my god I am going to be a mother. I do not think it actually sunk in until this very moment. The reality of the fact that I was a fourteen year old girl who was about to bring a child into the world. However, it that moment I did not feel like a child. I felt older. My soul felt as if it was ancient. It felt as if I had survived and lived through many battles. However, I knew after this moment everything would change. What scared me the most was how it was going to change? How was I going to navigate through what was to come. All I knew if that some how I would have to find a way.

For the better part of five hours, I suffered in labor, which got worse as each hour passed. My Mother by my side trying to comfort me as I made my way through each contraction. At one point the pain felt as if it was going to rip my stomach apart. I begged my mother to make the pain go away. However, there was nothing she could do but try to be there for me. Jack was in the room but he mostly stayed in the far corner in a chair. I think he could see that getting to close to me may have been dangerous. The pain was starting to make me violent and angry. The very site of him reminded me that it was his fault I was feeling this pain.

As the contractions started to come closer and closer I began to struggle with the level of the pain. Because of this, I was moved into a surgical delivery room when it became clear that I soon would be able to push. The nurse instructed us that we still had about 30 minutes before I could possibly start to push. So when they came to move me to the other room, Jack decided to go out for a cigarette. He assumed there was still time before the delivery.

Once they nurses had me all set up on the table in the middle of the room, they began to bring in the baby warmer and other items need for the delivery. It was a busy place. Doctors, nurses, residents, my mother and myself all in a small surgical delivery room. At the end of the bed, high up the corner of the room hung a giant mirror. When I first noticed it in between one of my contractions, I thought to my self what is that for? However another contraction soon distracted me before I could complete the thought.

The nurse waited until contraction passed and assessed me. She told me I could start to push with the next contraction. Hearing this was a relief. I was looking forward to getting it over with. I could not take any more pain. Now that I was in this phase of labor, nobody else would be aloud in the delivery room, but my Mother. I was pleased to hear that Jack wold not be in the room. He was still down stairs. I had progressed faster than they had suspected. He did not make it back in time.

As I felt the next contraction coming on I reached for my Mother’s hand to help bear down and push. This continued every 90 seconds for a while but then the pain exceeded what I had already thought was terrible as the baby started to crown. I screamed and immediately stopped pushing. I yelled at everyone stating that I wanted to stop now! I just could not do it. I started to hyper ventilate and as I did a nurse took my right hand and told me to look up at the end of the bed at the mirror. She said ‘look my dear that is your baby…. So now, you need to push with all your might so we can see the rest of your baby’. You can do this. As I looked in the mirror and listened to her speak I knew she was right… that was a baby in there that I was seeing. In that moment a wave of strength came over me, a rush of adrenaline. I decided I would push through the pain.

When the next contraction came that is exactly what I did. Each push hurting more than the last. But I kept going. Soon the baby’s head was out and the doctors and nurses quickly asked me to stop pushing. The baby’s shoulder was caught up on something. They had me slowly roll over on to my side and than back down again in attempt of unhooking the shoulder. They asked me to give them a little push with the next one. I did and within split second the baby had been born and the pain was gone. The doctor wrapped her in a blanket and placed her on my chest. My Mother then cut the umbilical cord. I could not take my eyes off of her the whole time. She was so beautiful. I could not believe she was my daughter…..

At 5:59 pm on April 24, 1991 Raven was born. Weighing in at 9 pounds, 3 ounces complete  with a head full of hair. As she looked back up into my eyes from where she laid on my chest. I could not believe the love that I felt for her. Nevertheless, with the love also came fear. Fear that she would have to go through the same things that I did. I knew looking in her eyes that very moment that I would never let Jack hurt her. It was in that moment a warrior emerged from with in me. As I looked down at Raven, I whispered to her….

I promise you my child that I will protect you from this darkness that you have been born into, I will never let him hurt you, I will never let him touch you. I will protect you with my life. You are safe, I promise.

A fire had been ignited in me, I had a mission now. A greater purpose. My mission was to save Raven. I did not know how, I did not know when… All I knew was that I was no longer letting any sexual abuse happen. Not to me and especially not to Raven. My maternal primal instinct of protection was born that day. I was given a reason to live that day; I was given someone to love that day.