This Child Needed My Protection…. (65/73)

Jack pulled right up to the out doors of the emergency department. He jumped out of the truck, grabbed a wheel chair and put me in it. My Mother took me in the hospital as he parked the truck. I was taken into a room almost immediately. A nurse asking multiple questions about what I ate and drank. My Mother spoke up and asked me if I had taken anything out of her pillbox because she noticed it was on the kitchen table. I tired to think quickly about what I could possibly say to explain why I was in her stuff. I decided to say I felt nauseous so I was looking for a gravel. The nurse asked my mother what medication I could have taken. She began to list an assortment of vitamins and herbs. Including a few water pills and painkillers. A nasty combination. Not a combination that would kill you but definitely one that would make you through up. My heart sank as I realised that I was not going to die. Instead, I just made myself suffer.

It was not long before the doctor was in to see me. He was concerned with the amount I was throwing up and wanted to do a few more tests before releasing me. He instructed the nurse to give me something to make me more comfortable and to stop the vomiting. After she injected me in the backside, I closed my eyes and drifted of to sleep. It was not a deep sleep. However, it was the type of sleep where you heard everything around you but you were not awake. For some reason all of my senses seemed heightened that evening.

After about an hour, the doctor returned to my room to talk to me about why I was sick. I was so worried that they knew what I did… that they knew I was trying to kill myself. I was quickly trying to come up with a reason for my actions if I was asked. My heart was starting to raise as the doctor asked my mother to sit down. I could tell by his facial expression something was not right. He looked confused and concerned. As he began to speak explaining what tests, he did and what the results were I closed my eyes. Barley listening as he explained that I was fine with one exception… I was Pregnant!

As soon as I heard the words spoken, I froze. Everything after this moment was proceeded in slow motion. It was as if I watching it all happen from above. I could not understand… I was trying to kill myself and instead of dying, I was pregnant! This did not seem possible. My Mother asked me questions once the doctor left the room. However I could not speak. Not one word came out of my mouth. Pure silence.

This was the moment I finally snapped. My mind so broken by shock that I could not even form a word. I could not wrap my mind around the fact that there was a child inside me as I placed my hand over my stomach. No matter how much I wanted to die, I could not do that now. It was not just my life anymore. It was our life.

It took about ninety minutes to gather all the paper work and have me released from the hospital. The doctor ordered me another injection before being discharged. He could see that I was in shock. I knew I was going to have to say something to my Mother before getting home. Jack had left a few hours before so he had no idea about what my diagnosis was. I could not even think about that dimension of the issue as we drove home. All I spoke to her as we walked to the truck was one sentence…. It was a boy at school named Trent and he had since moved away.

Once I entered the house, I went straight for my room. I did not care what Jack had to say or what his reaction was. I was sure his first thought would be to whether or not I had said anything about him being responsible for the situation. I could barely keep my tears back as I crawled into my bed.

How could this be happening? I was only fourteen years old! The thought ran through my head on repeat, which made me dizzy and angry. It was too much to comprehend. Thankfully, everyone left me alone for about two hours then Jack knocked on my bedroom door and asked to enter. I knew by his display of manors that my mother must have sent him in to talk to me. She was surely not far behind him. After I said come in, Jack entered my room and shut the door behind them. Under the blankets, I immediately took a defence stance. If he even thought about touching me I was going to loose it on him. I had no patience for his bullshit tonight! Nobody was touching me tonight!

Jack sat on the end of the bed and placed his hand on my left foot. As he did, he lowered his head and started to apologise to me. Tears forming in his eyes as he did. However, I could see right through his pathetic attempt at an emotional apology. His tears meant nothing. However, I could see that he was genuinely scared of something. Eventually he asked me if I said anything at the hospital. I responded by repeating what I had told my mother. He looked relieved that I had already put a story in motion. His happiness at moment was like a sword through my heart. Before I could say anything, further he instructed me to also say that the boy was of native background so that there would not be any questions when the baby came out looking like Jack. He was native after all. He was concerned people would see the resemblance between him and the child.

I could not believe my ears as I listened to him talk. I had barely even been home from the hospital and he already had everything all planned out in his head like some sociopath. In Jacks head, we would all be one big happy family, baby and all! He was a sick man. His vision of family being one of sadistic torture. I did not know how or when but I knew I was going to get out of this house. A new flame of strength had ignited in me on that day. For it was on that day I knew I was a mother. In that moment the world became bigger then me. There was two of us now. I knew I had to protect the child. No matter what, I had to make sure the child was never touched as I was. I would never let that happen. I would be a better mother then the one I was given. I was ready to fight. To the death if necessary to protect the life that was growing inside me from being victimized like I had been. Jack would never touch this child as long as there was a breath in my body. NEVER!

However, I would need time to gather my strength in figure out what came next. I had multiple doctors appointments booked in the preceding days. Our family doctor presented me with multiple options in addition to keeping the child. She showed me letters from prospective parents looking to adopt. I though about this option for a moment as I read the letters. However, something told me that Jack would never let anyone else raise his child. I felt if I went the adoption route that would bring about violent outcomes. Something I just did not have the energy to endure. She next talked to me about abortion, explaining the procedure to me. I immediately said No to this option.

To this day, the reasoning for that choice has perplexed me…. I am pro choice. In that moment, I could not bring myself to have an abortion. I felt as if that would have been a wrong choice for me. However, I am forever grateful for the choice I was given. Grateful that the choice was not made for me.

I thought about all the options but decided to have the baby. It was a decision I solely made on my own. It is what I felt was best. For the child growing inside me never asked to have all of this forced upon them. And for that very reason, this child needed my protection.

I finally returned to school two weeks after finding out I was pregnant. We had met with the school principal and he had given me two options to choose from. I could take correspondence courses for the remainder of the year or I could stand up at the next school assembly and state that I was pregnant in front of the entire student body. It was not much of a choice. There was no way that I was going to let him put me on display in some anti-pregnancy rant. The school was concerned with the image of a pregnant student attending classes. They thought it might give the other students the wrong ideas about the school. I would be an embarrassment for them. Therefore, I decided that I would take classes through correspondence. I said good-bye to friends only telling a very few like Anna why I was really leaving.