Death was my only option…. (64/73)

Now that I was starting to form more friendships, I was starting to have more of a social life. I would be invited over to some of the girl’s houses on the weekends for slumber parties. One of my friends, Anna and I had become rather close. We would spend a lot of time together on the weekends. This irritated Jack very much. He did not like me spending the night at other people’s houses. He preferred if I was home every night. However, I soon learned that if he was going to try to stop me from going to a friend’s house, then I would invite the friend over to my house. Either way I won because he never bothered me when I had friends staying over. He rather kept his distance. I actually believe it angered him. That I had figured out a way to block his plans. That he had been out smarted by a child.

By this point Jack also had made me stop going to my Fathers on the weekends. He made me tell him that I did not want to be out at Morinville with him anymore. When truth be told, I would have given anything to be with my Father, Dot, Lawerence and Vicki. However, I knew that if I did not do as he requested then he would hurt my Father. There was no way I was going to let that happen. Even if it meant I would have to sacrifice my time with him. Doing this broke my heart. My Father was my everything as every little girls daddy should be. So I did I was forced to do and said good-bye to my Father.

If there was one moment in time, where I could go back and change something…. This would have been it. I would have refused to ever let my Father go and would have ran to him and told him everything. I would have chosen not to live my life with out my Father.

In the spring, the school had their annual wake-a-thon planned. It was an event where the students raised money by staying awake for twenty-four hours at the school. The weekend before the big event, I stayed Friday night at Anna’s house. Her older sister, Lia, over heard us talking about the wake-a-thon. When she did, she decided to come, join us and tell us a story about when she had went to our school. She proceeded to tell us that during her grade nine year at Westmount a horror movie had been filmed there. It was called “Hello Mary Lou, Prom Night 2”. Lia said there were movie crews and props all over the school for days while they were filming. She even saw then film a scene with two motorbikes racing through courtyard that was eventually cut from the movie. I thought it was cool that are school had been apart of a horror movie.

After we talked about the movie, the conversation turned a little darker when she asked us if we knew about the boy who had died in the bell tower. Neither of us had heard anything about a child dying at our school. Lia then told us a story about a boy who had not been listening in class, so he was sent for detention. At that time, detention was held in the bell tower of the school. It was a Friday of a long weekend. Unfortunately, the boy had been forgotten up in the detention room. He tried to get out of the bell tower but the door was locked. No matter how hard he banged on the door, nobody was around to hear him. He tried to open the windows the over looked the front stairs of the school. However, the bars were placed to close together for him to slide through.

The boy did not have food or water for the four days that he was stuck in the bell tower. When the school opened back up the following Tuesday, his body was found in the bell tower. It appeared that he had began to start to eat his own hands before dying. Now legend has it that he still walks to halls of the school. Sometimes you can still hear him in the bell tower trying to get out. Once Lia was done telling us the urban legend of the boy in the bell tower, Anna and I laughed. We had already heard that story. Everyone had who had gone to Westmount had heard that story. However, the school has always claimed that the story is not true and is merely a myth.

The morning of the wake-a-thon I checked into the gym at 8 am for head count. Everyone that was in the gym was now stuck in the school until eight am the next morning. We would spend the day going to class as we would normally but at the end of day, we had to check back into the gym to get our schedule of events for the evening. I was excited to be spending the night at the school. It was like a mini vacation with all my friends. The day went by rather quickly and before I knew it, I was back in the gym to hear what the school had in store for us for the night.

There was about 100 students participating in the wake-a-thon. The school had a wide range of activities planned for us. We would start the night with Dinner and a scavenger hunt around the school. Then it was movie time for a few hours. Different films were being featured in different classrooms. Anna and I decided to see the film in the classroom closest to the library on the upper level of the school. Around 10pm, Anna and I asked for a hall pass to go and use the pay phone to call home. We did not have cell phones back them. Our only option was the dingy payphone in the front lobby.

We made our down to make the calls but on the way back upstairs things got a little creepy. It was dark as we made our way up to the second floor. As we got closer to the library the hair on the back of my neck stood up. A feeling came over me that made me feel like we were not alone. As soon as that thought was completed in my head, I could hear something whisper my name. Anna heard something too, but to this day, I do not know what she heard. However, I could tell by her facial expression it was something. We both looked at each other and then began to run back to the classroom. Both of us relieved as we reached the door and sat down in the room amongst our friends. At midnight, the school put on a video dance party for us. Two giant screens with the DJ set up in between lined the back wall of the gym. The teachers thought the dance would be a good way to wake all the students up. Especially with eight hours still to go. After the dance party, we could attend different break out sessions around the school. As each hour passed it became harder and harder for some of the students to stay awake. However, we all made it until morning.

When I walked out of the front doors of the school to go home, I was looking forward to being able to sleep. I was exhausted. I needed my bed. Once I walked through the door of the house, I knew something was up. My Mother began to tell me that she was going out that day and that I could stay home and sleep. Unfortunately, Jack was not going with her. He had his owns plans for the day. However, he would be home with me for a few hours alone before he was to go about his day. Jack was heading out with my mother to drop her of at a friend’s house. He would be back in about thirty minutes. As he passed by me on his way to the door, he whispered ‘get ready I will be back soon’.

I could not believe he was asking this of me right now. I had been up for over twenty-four hours. My brain was fuzzy and scattered. After the left, I proceed to shower and be ready for when he returned. As usual, he returned and started to rape me. He began to get angry with me. He did not like that I was exhausted. This specific assault became a blur. My mind shutting down from exhaustion and trauma. All I really remember is crawling in to my own bed after wards and crying until I fell asleep. My heart ached because I had just had an amazing night at school with my friends, for the first time I was starting to feel like I was fitting in somewhere. Jack had to stain that memory for me. There was never any escape from his darkness.

The rest of the school year, I continued to spend time with friends as I struggled with being trapped in situation that was pushing me to the limits of my sanity. The abuse happening almost daily. I was staring to lose control emotionally as the middle of summer approached. My Mother was letting me have a slumber party this year for my birthday. I was looking forward to it. Four friends sleeping over in my living room with me for a night. For once a normal birthday party. I was turning fourteen. However, I felt so much older.

Anna, Catrina, Joanie and Kate all arrived with the sleeping bags for the night. We made mini homemade pizzas as we gossiped around my kitchen table about our next year at school. Five girls in total giggling and laughing as we enjoyed each other company. Later that night we all gather in the living room to watch a movie. After we all got comfortable in our sleeping bags we turned out the lights. We were about to watch ‘The Exorcist”. Most of the girls had not seen it before. Kate and I had. The night passed by quickly and before I knew it, I was watching my friends leave. After they did, Jack started to make inappropriate comments about how beautiful some of my friends were. Hearing him speak this way made me sick t my stomach. Before that moment, I had never thought about the safety of my friends. I never thought he was looking at them that way. However now I knew he was. I immediately felt bad for brining them into my house. I felt responsible for putting them in his sites. A guilt I still feel to this day.

It was finally the first day of school. I could not believe that I was finally in grade nine as once again I was walking the halls of Westmount Junior High. We were the seniors this year. I was determined to have a good school year no matter how bad things were at home. I did not want to miss a moment of this milestone in life. Being in grade nine at Westmount meant we would be getting a grad party this year. In addition, the school put on an annual grad fashion show in order to raise money to pay for the celebration. I felt proud I had made it this far. However, this feeling soon faded.

As the school year headed into October, I found myself being unable to stop thinking about suicide. When I was alone at home, I would sit on the kitchen floor with my Mothers assortment of pills trying to build up the courage to take them. I just could not hold on any more. My life had become nothing but a repetitive cycle of rape. Day in and day out. Every day filled with abuse and terror. I needed to find some peace and from what I could see there was no peace in store for me any time soon. I felt so defeated and alone. The darkness had finally won and had taken my strength from me.

Finally, one Sunday afternoon when my Mother and Jack were out with their friends I decided it was time. After they left the house and I was sure that they were gone, I headed to the kitchen and grabbed a blue plastic cup from the cupboard. Then I put two of every pill in my Mothers collection in the cup. With a glass of water in hand, I headed up to my bedroom with the pills. I sat on my bed and the tears silently began to stream down my face. I sat there for the better part of two hours before I began to slowly swallow down the pills a couple at a time. I could see no other way out. Death was my only option. I was not scared of dying; I was scared of hurting those I left behind. However, there was no longer any other choice. If I had to continue to live this way then I was going to choose not to live!

My Mother and Jack came home to find me violently vomiting in the upstairs washroom. They immediately could tell that something was wrong. Jack lifted me up off the bathroom floor, took me downstairs, and placed me in the truck. My Mother sat beside me holding me in her arms. As she did and we drove to the Charles Campsell Hospital, I kept hoping I would die before we reached our destination. I did not want to be saved, I wanted them to just let me die!