We made our way back to town with one day to spare before the show. I had never been to a live wrestling match before. However, I had watched it on TV. I was excited to see the show. Lawerence sat with is friends from school so Vicki and I sat together. Our seats were located right on the corner of the ring in the front row. For two hours, we watched two men smack each other as they threw each other around the ring. A couple of times the fight even went out side the ring. They hit each other with their fists, their feet, and even with chairs. It was exhilarating to watch. The next morning I was due to go home. I did not want to go. Being with my Father was peaceful. With him, I was safe. Nobody would ever hurt me with him by my side. Unfortunately, I could not take him home with me. Although I really wished, I could.
Once my Father pulled up in the driveway of my house, I wanted to cry. I did not to get out of the truck and for a split second I thought to myself…. Maybe I should tell my Dad right now. Then we could drive away and I would never have to stay here again. However, I feared that if I told my father and we ran that Jack would find us. It would not matter were we hid; I believed he would find us and kill both of us. Therefore, I did not speak a word. I just sat there looking out the front windshield trying to figure out how to go back into that house. After a few seconds, I pulled it together and reached across to give my father a hug good-bye. I squeezed him ever so tight. Not wanting to let go.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see that my mother had come out of the house. At this point, I decided to jump out of the truck and head towards her in an attempt to distract her from talking to my father. She would always try to start an argument with him whenever they interacted and I just did not want to hear them arguing tonight. Once my Father pulled out of the driveway my Mother and I headed into the house. I noticed the house was dark and rather quiet when we walked in. I immediately asked where Jack was. My Mother responded by saying that he would be back the next day. He was out helping some friends move and he would be gone for the night. I was relieved to hear that he was not home. It would be nice to spend the night with just my Mother.
After we unpacked my suitcase and put my clothes in the wash, we headed into the kitchen to order pizza. We spent the night eating pizza, watching tv and talking about junior high school. I was going into grade seven this year and it would be the first year that I would be in junior high. It was going to be different then elementary school. My Mother wanted to know if I was nervous about staring a new school. I admitted that yes I was nervous, but more due to it being junior high. However, it was going to be a nice change from Rio Terrace. My years there were not that enjoyable. I hoped Stratford would be different. A chance to meet new people. Most of my classmates were going to Hillcrest or Parkview, Therefore it would be a fresh start for me. Finally, around midnight I headed to my room to crawl into bed for the night. It had been an amazing night full of Mother-Daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, it would be one of the last normal nights I would experience for a while.
The preceding seven months of my life were spent in emotional and physical torture. My mother was working more hours now, which caused her to be away from the house a lot more. Also with the influx of cash, she had by working more, she went out to more. I was left alone at home with Jack all the time. When my Mother was around we would all act like everything was normal and we were just one big happy family. However when she was not around things were very different. Jack would spend hours torturing me and scaring me with his verbal threats against my family. I was always on edge when we were the only ones there because I never knew when he would decided grab me and tell me to take my clothes off. I spent those months scared all the time, never feeling safe.
The attacks would happen daily with the only exception being when I was with my father. However, that was only four days a month and most of the time, Jack would figure out a way to get my Mother out of the house on the Sunday’s I was coming home. I began to hate coming home even more I already did. Most Sunday’s I would get home, walk in the house to find only Jack there waiting for me. Feeling instantly defeated at the site of him. He would always tell me to put away my suitcase, have a shower and meet him in his bedroom. This request ripped a piece out of me every time he made it. I had not even been home ten minutes and the monster wanted to violate me. Depending on his mood, he would get very violent with me, pushing me, hitting me and at times even choking me. However, never hard enough to leave a mark. Leaving a mark meant he could be caught and he was good at covering his tracks.
Eventually my mental strength started to waver. I could not take any more of this abuse. Over the 7 months, I had been raped approximately 170 times! Everyday I would wake hoping it would be my last. Every night as I closed my eyes I hoped to go quietly in my sleep. This was not how I wanted to live. Each day my mind bent and broke from the trauma and parts of my body ached from being battered and bruised from use. I could no longer see a way out of the hell I was living in. It felt as if darkness had crept into every moment of my life and into every corner of my home. I felt constantly watched and as if my movements were tracked through out the house. Always watching for someone to sneak out of a corner and try to hurt me. Over the course of these months, I began to think a great deal about committing suicide. So much so that I began to pay attention to where my Mother kept her pills.
I soon learned that she had quite the pharmacy stashed in one of the kitchen cupboards. Multiple pill bottles all neatly organized and tucked away. As I held the container full of pills in my hands I wondered what would happen if I took one of each pill from each of the bottles. Would it make me sick? Would it kill me? For about fifteen minutes I contemplate taking the pills. I wanted to just end the pain. I cried as I thought about my life and wondered if anybody would really even miss me. However, death scared me. A part of me still was not ready to fully give up. But it was a very small part of me.
Things became tense around the house between all the adults. My Mother and Jack were not getting along with Grandma Lois or with each other. We had been living in her house and not paying rent for quite a few months now. Grandma Lois had given them an ultimatum. Either start paying rent or move out. Unfortunately, my Mother choose to move out. Due to this decision, I did not see my Grandmother much anymore. Which isolated me further with in the Jacks control.
We would finish out the school year in the house then we would be moving to a new place in the north end of Edmonton. In the community of Wellington. The three bedroom, three-floor townhouse was located right behind a junior high school. Due to moving, I would have to start a new school. It would be too far to travel on the bus to Stratford. However, the school we were closest to was known for being a rough school. I did not want to go there and my mother agreed. It was decided that I would be going to Westmount Junior High for grade eight in September.
I was nervously looking forward to going to Westmount. Some of my classmates from early elementary were going there. Actually, a lot from my grade four class from Inglewood. It would be nice to see some familiar faces around the halls. It was the one thing in my life I had to look forward to …. School. It was the only place in the whole world were I was completely safe from Jack’s reach.
On the first day of school, I was nervous as I reached out to grasp the silver handle of the blue front door of the school. Students off all ages crowed the front lobby and gymnasium as I entered. Grade seven, grade eight and grade nine students. Some of them looking old enough to be going to high school. Luckily, I was a grade eight student this year. Stuck right in the middle of the age gap. I started to recognise some of the students however, I was still to nervous to say hello. I mostly kept to myself as I passed through the line up to get my schedule and home room number. Once I did, I head my wall down to Mr. Oz’s room. I still had about fifteen minutes until I had to be in my home room. I thought it would be better to arrive early so that I could get a set in the classroom when it was quiet.
When I arrived outside Mr. Oz’s classroom I found the door to still be locked. A couple of students were also waiting for the classroom to open. We all silently stood waiting for a few minutes until it was time to go in. Once the teacher arrived and opened the door, we made our way into the classroom and selected a seat. Just as we were about to sit down Mr. Oz spoke up and said ‘make sure you like the seat you pick because it will be yours for the year’. I was okay with my choice.
Once the bell rang students came bustling in and the classroom quickly filled up. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a student walk in the door with beautiful long black hair. When I looked closer, I realised that it was Lee from my grade four class. The first boy I kissed. He looked so different but still the same. He was very tall now and slightly built. His hair hung down to middle of his back. He was all decked out in a leather jacket, skinny jeans and high tops in true rocker style. I was a little taken back at the site of him. I guess you could say I still had a bit of a crush on him. As he made his way across the classroom and took the desk behind me, I felt butterfly’s in my stomach. Once Mr. Oz’s began speaking I looked around the classroom and realised that I knew at least four to five of the other students. Even if they did not remember me, I still found it comforting to be around something familiar. Some how I knew this school year was going to be different.
Over the course of the next few months, I began to reform old friendship and begin new ones with some of the other students. I had reconnected with friends from elementary and through them met other friends. I had found a place with in the social climate of the school. I comfortably fit in while going quietly unnoticed. Just the way I liked it. My home life was on repeat every day but being at school kept me going and gave me an opportunity to gather my strength. Even if I did not know it at the time. All those around me were keeping me from loosing control. From completely losing my mind. Something as simple as going to school, kept me going and kept me from taking my own life.
Brave Enough by Dawn Marie 
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