Once Jack let go of my face I reached for the door handle of the truck so that I could go into the house. I could taste the blood in my mouth from Jack squeezing so hard. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could. Once I walked into the house, my Mother could see that I was in pain. Unfortunately, she thought it was a direct result of the dentist. When it really was from Jack. She asked me how my appointment went but before I could answer her, Jack spoke up and told her that, I was doing better than the dentist had expected. I was pretty much healed. I glared at him from across the room as he spoke.
Yes, my mouth and teeth had been put back together. However, that did not mean that I was healed. All the work the dentist had done was hard on my gums and mouth. There were areas that were still bruised from the accident. My anger grew as I walked past him on the way to my bedroom. I could not stand there any longer and listen to his lies. I needed to lay down. From my room I could hear him asking my Mother if she wanted to go to bingo the following night. Instantly she said no but he continued to push the idea until she agreed. Upon hearing this, a knot formed in my stomach.
I did not want him touching me; I did not want him raping me again. However, I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. I would have to endure be raped the day of my 12th birthday. It had been almost a month since the last time it happened. During that time, I had been wishing that it would not happen again. A wish I knew would not come true but yet I still hoped. I spent the remainder of the day and night in my room watching TV and hiding from Jack. Finally, around midnight I feel asleep.
The next morning I awoke to my Mother bringing me in breakfast in bed. Singing Happy Birthday as she opened my bedroom door with a tray of hot chocolate and chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. A smiled formed across my face as she handed it to me. It was a nice way to wake up. A moment shared between mother and daughter. We did not get many of those moments together. Jack would always find a way to insert himself into every moment that should have been special. Nevertheless, not right now, not in this moment. It was just her and me. She sat on the bed and chatted with me as I ate my breakfast. After I finished my breakfast, I went to have a shower. As I did, my Mother mentioned that she was going to go to bingo and that she hoped I would not be upset with her for going.
Of course, I was upset. But what could I do. If I spoke out and asked her to stay home, as I wanted to do, then Jack would be furious. I was terrified of what his reaction would be and how much it would hurt. At the same time, I courageously wanted to scream out…. Stay home and save me from this hell! However, my fear was stronger than my courage and I could not rationally see a way out. This thought saddened me deep inside. In my soul.
As I returned to my room after my shower to get ready for the day, I noticed that there were gifts placed on my bed. My Mother had put them there while I was out of my room. I excitedly opened the packages to see what was inside. A pair of jeans and the new hoodie I had been asking for. It was a perfect day to wear my new outfit. The weather was dark and dreary. There definitely was a thunderstorm on the way. After I was dressed, I proceeded out to the front of the house to thank my Mother for every thing that she had done for me that morning. She truly had made it special for me.
Once I reached the dinning room, I saw Jack at the kitchen table having his morning coffee. When he looked up and noticed me, he asked me to come over to him. I could see that my mother was nowhere to be found as I reluctantly made my way towards him. Once I reached the dining room table, I tried to stay on the opposite side of the table from him, so that he could not physically reach me. I knew that if he could he would be touching me and pawing at me. It was always safe to keep some distance. Especially when others were not around.
However, Jack told me to come around to his side of the table so he could talk to me. I knew what that meant. He was going to give me instructions on how the day was going to play out and at what time he would be getting ready to drop my Mother off for the night. I hated this prequel to the actual assault. It caused me to not only be scared in the moment of the action but in the hours leading up to it. Jack’s way of controlling me with fear. Once I reached him, he pulled me closer to him. Forcefully pushing my body up against his. Wrapping his arm around my waist so that his hand could reach my ass. With his other hand, he grabs my breast. Tears begin to well up in my eyes as he does. Jack then proceeds to tell me that he will be dropping my Mother off at afternoon bingo, so they will be leaving in about thirty minutes. He instructed me to get naked and wait in the bedroom for him once they pulled out of the driveway.
The whole time he is speaking, I am fighting the urge not to scream. My mind wondering where my Mother could be? Wishing she would come save me. As soon as he let me go, I quickly moved around the other side of the table. I tried to hide my anxiety as I catch my breath. I thought my Mother was going to be going out that evening so I would have a few hours left yet before I would be left alone with this monster. However, I had less than forty-five minutes until my innocence would once again be stolen and violated. It was going to take me a minute to absorb that this was about to happen again. My heart felt broken at the thought.
Once Jack returned after dropping my Mother off he found me right where he told me I should be. I knew not to disobey him. Little did he know that I had spent the last ten minutes crying about what was about to happen. Either he could not tell I was upset or he did not care because he never mentioned it. After he entered the room, he shut the door and began to undress. As he did I could feel a burning sensation in the bottom of my throat. I fought back the urge to vomit as I watched him move closer and closer to the bed. All the while, a voice in my head was screaming HOW THE FUCK IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING!
My mind started to shut down and drift. Imagining that I was anywhere but there. Blocking out the visions of Jack running his hands all over my body as if he owned it. Blocking out him crawling on top of me and rapping me. It felt as if somebody or something was ripping out a piece of my soul as he had his way with me. The darkness of it all was starting to way down on me. I did not know if I could take anymore of my life. For a moment I wondered of ways that I could take my life. Who would really miss me? At least I would be safe. I was starting to feel as if death was the only way for me to be free from Jack. To be free from the shadows that I felt followed me everywhere. If this was what life was going to be for me than I was not sure I wanted it. I would rather have been dead then to have to continue to go through life the way it currently was.
Fortunately, the rapes never lasted long. However, that did not diminish their severity. Once I was able I stumbled my way down the hallway from my mother’s room to my room. I could not hold back the tears as I reached my bedroom door. By this point my face was covered and they were beginning to drip off of my chin. My heart and chest ached as if someone had stabbed me with a long blade. I found it hard to catch my breath as I entered my room and closed the door behind me. As it shut, I collapsed on the floor. I sat there for the better part of an hour crying and jut laying still while I tried to pull myself together. I felt so alone in the world and wondered why it had be that way.
I knew it would not be long and my mother would be home. Therefore, I needed to get up off the floor, put myself in order and pretend as if nothing had happened while she was gone. A skill I had become an expert at. Jack had been abusing for seven years now. I learnt to hide it very well over that time. I tried to focus on something positive, as I got dressed. It was only three more days before I would be leaving to go with my Father, Brandon, for three weeks. I would just need to survive the next three days and then I would far away from here. Far away from him. Well …at least for a little while.
Brave Enough by Dawn Marie 
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