Lost in the Madness…. (49/73)

Over the next 6 months, I struggled with the reality of the world I was now living in. Every day hoping it would be my last. Jack had quit drinking shortly after the first rape. Therefore, he was no longer physically beating my Mother. However, Jack would continue to rape me at least four times a week. Whether it was at home or at Grandma Lois’s farm, he would wake me in the night and drag me to quiet places in the house where he could repeatedly assault me without being caught. There was not a single place left that I felt safe. It was over this time that I started having night terrors. Even on the nights that Jack left me alone, I still would wake multiple times. My body thrashing across the bed in fear as I woke. Sleeping became a time of intense stress and terror. Every night as I tried to go to sleep my stomach would toss and turn. My heart would feel as if it was beating a mile a minute and at times, it would even be hard to breath. Every night I was lost in the madness of a nightmare. These visions haunted me not only at night when I slept, but also during the hours, I was awake. A nightmare that never seemed to stop.

I continued to go to my Fathers every second weekend. However, even being there did not ease my nightmares because I knew eventually I would have to go home. I started to slip into a depression and my school grades started to get rather bad. I was still having issues with the kids at school but it no longer bothered me as it did before. The issues at school seemed minor compared to what I was dealing with at home. I was barely passing but ended up getting through grade five by the end of the year. Once summer came along I headed to Morinville with my Father for our annual summer vacation.

This year we were going camping for two weeks in Waterton National Park. Even his parents, my grandparents were going to be coming with us. I enjoyed camping very much. Being close to nature made me feel a little better. Our vacation passed quickly and once again I was back home with my Mother and Jack. My Mother had taken a job at the local dry cleaners that was just down the street. She was working days from nine to five. For the remainder of the summer I was stuck home with Jack while she was at work.

Now not only could he torture me at night, but also he had me all to himself all day long while she was at work. He would take advantage of the fact that nobody would be around during the day. I was a prisoner for the following weeks of summer. With my only escape being the 3 weekends I was at my Fathers. On all the other days for the remainder of the summer, he would rape me daily sometimes even multiple times throughout the day if the opportunity arose. Which it did quite often. To say I was living in hell in those times would be severely understating it.

It was beyond hell. Most days I felt as I my mind was going to snap. I could not understand why my life was like this. I tried to stay focused on the thought that one day I would be free. I knew it was only a matter of years and I could move out and be out of his grasp. Only 6 or 7 more years and I could move out and never look back. All I had to do was survive until then. However, I did not know if I could survive that long. I was barely surviving my day-to-day life. Years of this torture would be a heavy burden to bear. I was not sure if I was strong enough. Never the less I would have to try. What other choice did I have? Telling someone was not an option. I knew how that would end.

Being raped become routine most days. My Mother would leave the house for the work in the morning and with in minutes of her leaving he would drag me into their bedroom. Force me take me close off, make me lay on the bed and then proceed to rape me. Some days he would force to watch porn with him before he raped me. My mother being at work made things worse. Jack had me corned for at least seven hours a day five days a week for five weeks. The days became very long being stuck in the house alone with him. Stuck in some sadistic version of hell. Wondering if I would ever escape, would I ever be free?