HE RAPED ME! (48/73)

I returned from my Fathers refreshed and rested. I enjoyed my time there between family time and at the hockey arena. This drove my Mother crazy. She hated that my Father had a passion for hockey. She never understood that I loved being at the hockey arena. It made my Father happy and I enjoyed watching him as it did. I learnt about healthy competition from being around the game. Every Sunday it was a ritual.

The house was busy when I returned. I was aware that my Mother was having a New Years Eve Party. This made me nervous. I could see as I entered the house that it was not the usual suspects this time. We had some unexpected guests for New Years this year. My Aunt Lou and her husband Will, One of my Moms dearest friends, Rose and her husband Pat. I had not seen all of them in a very long time. Especially my Aunt Lou. She was my Mother’s sister. They shared the same father but different mothers. Nevertheless, she was my aunt all the same. Rose had watched me grow for years. My Mother and she had been friends for many years. Since they were young.

There was a very odd feeling in the air this night. The house was somehow calm and peaceful. Even with Jack stalking around every corner. I always knew he was watching every angle of a room out of the corner of his eye. I could always tell he was watching me. However, I stayed and hung out with the adults for a few hours before I returned to my bedroom to watch some TV before bed. The thought kept crossing my mind ….. What could possibly go wrong tonight? I hoped nothing. I just wanted to sleep in peace. I did not want to be woken up by violence tonight. I wanted to start the New Year with no violence. I honestly thought maybe it would be possible. The house had been calm. Jack and my Mother seemed to be getting along quite well. Family was in town visiting and the house was full. SO I thought to my self  ‘maybe it would be quiet’ “Maybe nothing will go wrong? Unfortunately a lot was about to go wrong…. very wrong.

For some reason, in the early morning hours, I was awoken by the sound of my bedroom door opening. It was Jack and for some reason he decided he was going to sleep in my room with me instead of sleeping in his own room with my mother. I had heard them arguing about an hour earlier in the evening but it was not anything to worry about. So I went back to sleep.

The moment he entered my room I pretended to be sleeping he reached down and continuously shook me until I would awake. The first thing he said to me was be quiet and move over so I can lay down with you. My body immediately started to tremble with fear as I heard his words. He then told me to stand up and take of my cloths in the dark room. As I did, tears were uncontrollably streaming down my face. I prayed for someone in the house to come and save me, I didn’t understand why nobody noticed where he was going…..Where was my Mother rang out in my head…. where did she think that he was or was she so drunk and passed out that she would not of noticed?

“Looking back, I can see how Jack got away with sneaking around the house without being seen. He lurked in the shadows. He was patient and would wait all night for the most opportune moment to sneak in and snag his prey. He would wait for however long it took until no one would notice he was away. He was a predator…. And I was his prey. There was no escape.”

After I undressed, he forced me down on the bed and started to run his hands all over my body. As he did, I laid there silently crying. He proceeded to tell me that tonight he was going to try something new and that it was going to hurt… I was terrified by the look in his eyes as he said this to me. My heart started to race and I started to feel dizzy but I immediately pulled it together. I knew that if he caught me freaking out he would hurt me. The stale smell of Cherry Whiskey on this breath was evident of that. Jack had a short fuse when he drank Cherry whiskey. I knew if I did not do what he told me then he would beat me. I was not going to win either way.

He began to thrust his over weight alcohol reeking body on top of me and he whispered ‘do not make a sound or I will kill you’ as he was tightening his hand around my neck and slightly shutting off my breathing. Every thrust killing another piece of my innocence. He was violating my soul. As it was happening, my mind snapped it felt as if the room was closing in all around me as it darkened. The air became thin and hard to breathe making me feel as if I was about to suffocate. As the question… How could this be happening to me bounced around my head?? I was so scared and just kept wishing for it to end. Then it felt as if I blacked out for a little while. To this day, I am still not sure if I blacked out because of the fear or because of the choking.

To the best of my knowledge, the assault did not last long but in my mind, it seemed as if time had stood still and that it was never going to end. When he had finished he immediately got up and headed towards my bedroom door but before exiting he turned to me ad again told me that if I told any one he would come back in here and kill me. I was so young that I believed that he would kill me. I wanted to scream with everything I had but I couldn’t I was frozen in fear. I was too scared to take the chance. Seeing him beat my mother all of those years didn’t help to lessen my fear but to intensify it.

After he left I spent the better part of the early morning hours crying myself to sleep. I felt so dirty and as if some one had ripped my very soul out. Later in the day I went to have a shower. My body physically hurting from the rape. My insides felt torn and ripped apart. My mind ripped to shreds….. I stood in the warm shower for a few minutes feeling the water run down my shoulders. A wave of emotion took my legs right out from under me and I fell to my knees in the water. My hands grasping at my face in sadness and pain. The water beating down on my head as tears beat down my face. I could not move. All I could do was sit there on my knees in the water and cry.  Thinking ….. HE RAPED ME!!!!!!!

“I could never of imagined the night would end the way it did. A night that not only marked my soul but took a piece of it when it was done. I would never be the same. I would never see the world through the same eyes as I had before. The world somehow lost a portion of its color. It changed me, it broke me, marked my soul. Somehow I knew this was only just the beginning of the torture that this darkness had in store for me. It owned me now! “I had nothing left that this monster had not already taken from me.

I sat there for well over an hour until my skin started to wrinkle from water log. Once I got out of the shower I put on my favorite PJ’s and headed to my bedroom for the night. I was in shock and just needed to be alone. I needed to try to deal with what had just happened. That night before I went to sleep, I remember praying to god to take me in my sleep so that I would not have to ever go through that again. I also cried out to him and asked why he would not send someone to save me. Why did I not deserve saving? As a child, I wondered this. I started to question if there was a god. For the first time I truly knew I was alone with this secrete.

Unfortunately Jack would continue to rape me many more times over the following months to come. This was only the beginning. My anguish had just started. My battle had just began. The battle for my very soul.