So That I Could Vomit! (43/73)

Three days later after the court dropped the charges against Jack, at my Mother’s request, he returned home. I was uneasy from the moment he walked in the door. I did not want him there. I knew that I was going to be in some kind of trouble for running away as I did. I knew he would corner me in the house at some point to find if I said anything to anyone while he was away. I just could not understand how this was happening. I was right back to where I was before I ran away. Nothing had changed, Nothing will ever change!

It was in this moment I gave up. I had a way out and I did not take it. I was so stupid for not staying with my Father. This thought was all that was running through my head as the three of us sat down for dinner and to talk. I was forced to hear them tell me the same things they had said many times before. But I knew the truth, nothing about him was different. Jack was still the same Jack and I was not safe. After we finished dinner, I went to my room to get ready for bed and watch some TV. I was not feeling well and just wanted to be left alone.

I was starting to get dizzy from the thoughts of him coming into my room again. I knew it was only a matter of time before he would come for me. It would most likely be that night. The physical abuse I was observing was enough to traumatize any child but the constant sexual abuse side of my home life made me feel as if I never got a break from the abuse.

My Mother would lay her head down to sleep that night thinking I am safe and sound in my bed. When actually, I am being awoken and dragged to the basement to be physically interrogated by a monster. He would drag me down over the wooded basement stairs to the cold unfinished basement. As he did I could see that Jack was quite angry and concerned as he pushed me down on to the ottoman on the edge of the laundry room. He then bombarded me with questions. He wanted to know where I went, whom I talked to and what I said. As I tried to tell him where I went I made the mistake of looking away. Jack took this action as a sign of disrespect and quickly slapped my face back in line with his so he could demonstrate to me that he was the one in control of the conversation. At this point, I could not hold back the tears and that started to roll down my cheeks but I did not make a sound as they did. I did not want to anger him anymore than he already was. I was scared he was going to hurt me.

Once I finished explaining everything Jack reached out and twisted my arm half way around my back before asking me one last time…. ‘Are you sure you did not tell anyone’. I whimpered back at him… no I did not tell anyone! He instantly released my arm and pushed me back down on the ottoman. Just as I thought that our conversations was over Jack stood in front of me, untied his robe, opened it and exposed himself to me. He then took his left hand and grabbed a hand full of my hair as he whispered…. ‘You can start making it up to me by sticking that in your mouth’ as he pushed my head toward his penis. I knew that if I did not do what he was asking then he would definitely kill me.

Once he was finished, I raced up stairs to the washroom so that I could vomit. I however tried to do this quietly so that Jack would not hear me and I would not wake me mother. I turned on the tap on the bathroom sink. The sound of the water muffled the sound my body urging. I felt so gross and dirty. Every time he forced me to do those things, it felt like another piece of me had died. When I finally returned to my bed that night, I was exhausted. I felt sick, but most of all….I felt defeated.