My Life Would Never Be My Own! (23/73)

 

I ended up spending 5 days and 5 nights in the hospital. It took until day 3 before the swelling had subsided enough for a cast to be put on my arm. The doctor was no longer worried about internal bleeding but said that I was very lucky that I did not need surgery. Very lucky indeed! Sure I was in a lot of pain but the nurses were in checking on me every 4 hours giving me something to keep me comfortable. I really did not care that my arm was broken because I was safe but soon it would be time to go home.

On the morning of my release from the hospital my mother Eileen frantically ran around the house trying to get things ready for me to come home. The house clearly had not been cleaned since I was in the hospital. Jack was never much of a helper around the house, he left most things for my mother to do. They both arrived at the hospital just as the doctor was coming into see me. As I looked up from my hospital bed; through my hazing medicated eyes, I immediately was disappointed. I was hoping to see my doctor alone before my mother came in that day to take me home.

I had planned to tell the doctor that my arm had hurt more than it did in the hopes of maybe getting kept in for another day or two. I knew I could not fake it in front of my mother as well as I could on my own. So my best chance would be one on one with the doctor. Everyone at the hospital had been very nice to me. I had a lot of different visitors while I was there and most of them worked for the hospital. I imagine my story of falling off of the bed maybe was not as believable as we thought it would be. Funny thing though, nobody ever really questioned our story. Their questions were more about abuse at home in general.

I wanted to tell them many times as I was laying in that hospital bed trying to avoid their questions. My resolve was not as strong with pain mediation running through my system. I almost let it slip more than once. Before I awoke that morning I had dreamt that I had told the doctor about Jack. In the dream the doctor protected me and called the police. I was safe. It felt so real. It felt so peaceful. As I awoke to see all of them entering the room, I knew the it was just a dream. Once again the room darkened and I was back in the nightmare. That peaceful feeling was gone.

I knew I had to be strong but I wondered if this would ever end. Would there ever be a moment where I was not scared? Would there ever be a moment where I didn’t feel as if I was being watched? Would I ever be free?

As we left the hospital after I was discharged I began to feel like giving up. At that moment I felt like this was all my life would ever be…. My LIFE would never be my own! I was nothing but a prisoner. I hated it. I hated myself for not saying something when I had the chance. I hated myself for not taking the chance to be free. I hated myself so much I just wanted to give up!